Night Terrors
by AbraFilo
Summary: Sirius's distorted thought's on his life, past present and future while trapped in 12 Grimmauld Place.


**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, any of its characters or places. The events that take place are purely fictional and are not to be confused with the actual Harry Potter storyline.**

No single look or gesture was to blame for the sensation of crawling skin. It wasn't his words or tone that chilled Sirius to his very core but the memory of what they had done to change him. Knowing this is how he chose to rebuild. The man had not always been like this, in fact Sirius thought the boy would cower to see what he had grown to become. At times Sirius could remember their school years when everything was different. James detested dark arts, Peter was happy to follow, Remus didn't think it was a matter worth losing friends over and Sirius was just glad to see someone else suffer. It was an unfortunate situation Severus had been pulled into.

There was something strange about the boy that Sirius noticed early on. Though he screamed and swore he never shed a tear, no matter the threats or humiliation. Then as he became older even swearing vengeance dwindled away to a calm passive expression. It was unnatural and if he had to describe it Sirius would say it looked like amused patience. Certainly they were missing out on something but how could he have known? Soon after they told each other they had grown out of him, they were all relieved they didn't have to talk about what that look may have meant.

Coming of age never meant so much responsibility the war took its toll on each and every one of them. Peter scurried to the biggest scariest threat on the playing field and never looked back. All those years were suddenly nothing except maybe the occasional bitter ashes of happiness when he intruded in a memory of the best years in their lives. Remus was turned away from everything. Work, shelter, support and that day where he couldn't even purchase food. His kind, werewolves, supported You-Know-Who and should be grateful they weren't rounded up on sight and shipped to Azkaban. Sirius didn't even know who to hate for that and though he welcomed Remus with open arms it didn't fix Remus's shattered self-worth Sirius would have given anything to rebuild, but people rarely changed.

James died after being lucky for so long and surviving through what looked like Deaths icy grip had only to pull and he would vanish into memory. Finally he did. Sirius thought he would live forever. Never did he think he would have eternity to ponder why their lives turned out like they did and why everyone he had fond memories of was made to suffer so much. After escaping the cold dark living death the ghosts chased him into his freedom and once again consumed him. His youth and the peace he had longed for was gone once again and war was creeping into every cherished moment of their lives.

This time around things were to be different. Everyone knew what was coming and yet the subject was taboo, not just the name of the cancer that was eating away all of their lives. Slowly moving but building up speed the dangers were coming. Nobody wanted to admit certain key people were vanishing, no one was out after dark anymore and there was more nonsense in the Prophet than ever. To fill space and hide what was coming and the ministry was everywhere, they needed everyone to play along. Nobody wanted an entire generation to be reduced to nothing again and maybe if they ignored it hard enough and showed they didn't see, it would all stop and everyone would be safe.

Sirius had to watch all of them in his house, his new prison, and wonder which faces would fade from memory nonchalantly until he discovered they weren't returning and curse his utter uselessness that he didn't even remember what they looked like. Even when he socialized and contributed his thoughts and knowledge he was still the only one that never left 12 Grimmauld. When he first became the large black dog James had joked that it suited him better than his human form. If it wasn't true then it was now. When no the halls were empty and the rooms quiet all Sirius could do was wait anxiously for someone to show up. It was sad for a dog's life and was no way for a man to live. Nothing hurt quite like it, having to watch and hope unable to intervene in any way. Sirius thought this must be what it was like to watch someone drown from a ship that was already far out of reach. Then he would return.

Severus, the only interactions that he was able to recall in perfect detail. It was because they all meant something and he knew just what to say to make it hurt. Sirius was happy for the moments he could inspire anger in him but they were short lived when Severus would remind him that he was going to die in here after watching a good deal of others die before him. Then even if the cycle were to turn again to peace, that he lived to see it, Sirius would still be trapped in this house.

If they never caught Peter it would be true, he would never be free. Some nights Sirius would sit in a chair flipping through pages in books he would never read dreading that very outcome. Then he considered how easy it would be for Snape to make it a reality. Dumbledore had firmly told him that Severus was truly remorseful of James and Lily's death. Sirius couldn't fathom such a thing. Sirius had gone so far as to inquire what remorse looked like for Severus Snape. Dumbledore had fixed him with a cold stare that he reserved for when someone had gone too far and merely replied that it looked like remorse. That had been the end of it.

James and Lily died because of that damnable prophecy and though they knew Peter had turned Deatheater no one knew why. It was also very inconceivable that everyone and their bloody dog knew what Remus was. Then the fact that the man who knows everything conveniently missed that Peter was likely crawling after He–Who-Must-Not-Be-Named close enough to wring out his greasy hair and Severus had never noticed the chubby little turd. Information that would have saved him from hell on earth and granted a childhood to Harry. Maybe even saved Lily and James. Sirius could see without willing it the smile on his cold sharp features and his eyes brightening as the sworn vengeance presented itself so perfectly. All that was required was turning a blind eye and suddenly everyone paid. It didn't add up to Dumbledore but he didn't know what they had done. The strangeness was more sinister and deliberate than their schooldays. It was like a different person wearing familiar skin. Sirius knew he had destroyed things, killed people, even tortured people and he knew that he had enjoyed it.

Sirius wondered why his life had turned this way because the answer was conceivable and it wasn't over yet. Severus's eyes where always black and as a child it gave him a sort of Teddy bear cuteness that made it hard to take his threats seriously. But now Sirius didn't like to look into them. They were like coals with a fire still flaring to life inside and Sirius knew if he looked long enough Severus would see everything he didn't want him to know. He had learned meeting him the first time as mature adults exactly his nature. In his eyes he had seen such an overwhelming and feral desire to do harm that he was struck speechless. The memory of that encounter reminded Sirius that his father had taught him at a young age, that if you were to show something that even looked like fear to a feral animal it would, without hesitation strike to kill. Now that memory made him think of Severus and he made sure to avoid those burning eyes.

He would never be free and was unwilling to watch everyone else's life unravel around him without acting. Despite what he had done and who he had been he couldn't change the past. Even if he could Sirius didn't know if that strangeness he had seen in Severus so long ago was damage or a warning, no matter the circumstances, he would grow into a monster. Now his life was cycling to where it ended last time and this now he would do anything to contribute. Sirius had a responsibility to his friends that were closer than his family ever cared to be and to his godson. In his heart, Sirius knew he would gladly give his life to protect anyone of theirs. Sometimes he shed tears to think he may even be wanting it. If Severus was right and he was to be trapped forever in this house that had a legacy of only hatred and a laughable desire for purity where there was anything but Sirius would give all he had to avoid that fate.


End file.
